It’s been 6 years since Daddy left us. I can’t say the other word yet. Not any where ready for that.
Every day I think of countless things I need to ask him. How do I get these deer to stop tearing up my yard? Can I shoot a turkey out of season if it’s messing up my yard?
Did I think he would be here forever? In my head, no. In my heart, oh yes.
I don’t like this. I want to smash things…people..just anything to get this out.
I honestly didn’t think I would be like this. I am a logical person, not really prone to emotional outbursts. But I’ve never been brought to my knees like this. I think a part of me is pretending it isn’t true.
It feels like the world should have stopped. I am offended by life going on as if nothing had happened. This is monumental and has affected the rest of our own lives but life goes on for the rest of the world. I understand this in my head, again, but not in my heart.
Will we ever be whole again? I’m tired of people giving me books to read on grief. I know all the stages of grief. Is there something worse than grief? If so, that’s what this is. Heartbreak. Sharp, gut wrenching, take your breath away pain.
I don’t want to hear the platitudes that come with a death in the family. I am aware that what I want is irrational, and I don’t care. I want to stomp my feet, throw myself on the ground and scream until someone pays attention and gives me back my father.
And on some days I find myself doing the same thing I would do at age 5. Yelling, ” Wait for me, Daddy, I want to go with you”, and the funny thing is I feel like he is just right there…right on the edge of somewhere..waiting.
That’s all for today..I love you Daddy..
Happy Father’s Day Daddy!
How Much I love You
How much I love you I can’t say:
It’s more than words can hold.
You’re all at once my rich, red clay,
My potter and my mold.
Yours the words that shaped my voice,
The spirit within mine.
Yours the will that shaped my choice,
My fortune, and my sign.
How lucky I was to have had you
At the core of me!
Wise and good, you always knew
Just what I could be.
And so I came to be someone
Whom I could be proud of.
For this I give my swollen sum
Of gratitude and love.